* The Shrine *

Hi to all you Victoria Wood fans out there ! Unfortunately this is the last chance you'll get to worship the one and only Queen of Comedy. So enjoy !

I'll tell you another sad thing about fat teenage girls...That's people are ALWAYS making them be bridesmaids, 'cause if you ever notice on a wedding photograph...there's always three normal ones, you know with the puffed sleeves an' a sache, and a whoping great one on the end...with the same material in a kaftan !

On Mia Farrow

You see rich people don't look after their own children, if fact they don't give birth ! If they really want a baby they go abroad and they buy one, you see them at customs..."Anything to declare" "Yes a bottle of Chanel No 5.....an twins !" Or they adopt them like Mia Farrow. Is she mad Mia Farrow, I think she must be mad don't you, I mean she's adopted so many ! She adopts babies like someone picking letters on Countdown. I'll have a black one..and another black one..and a blind one...and another black...and a Korean one....and another black one ! She obviously preferes them black and disabled, I don't know who she's going to adopt next but I would be panicking if I was Stevie Wonder !!!

On fitness !

Right well, I see we've got quite a few newies here tonight anything I should know about, any bad backs, funny knees...Yes, your leg ? What's the matter with it ? It's Plastic...Right, no that's fine, in fact it's nicer than your other one ! Have you got any trainers ?...No, oh well do the best you can with those...They're not ideal...Stilettos ! Connie, come away from the air conditioning...'cause when we go leapin' and springin' you'll give yourself kind of a mini labotomy on the corner of there...You what you've had one already, an' you only went in for a support stocking you should've said something ! Right stepping to the left now, no Connie to your left, no your left, no 'cause your actually hurting her leg doing that...Where's the lady with the plastic leg, can you stand next to Connie for me !!!

The Hairdresser.

Nolena can you do a shampoo for my lady ? She won't keep you a moment.Right I think what we'll do is take it up and over and back round the side, very free and easy but quite structured. What I was saying to you previous was, my friend worked in hairdressing, and me cousin worked in hairdressing and mu mother...that's her on t'wall in sponge rollers...she said "What are you planning on doing our Madeline" and I said modelling, she said "Modelling Madeline ?" I says Yes, she says "OOh Madeline you'd be very middling at modelling" I said would I she says "You go meddling with modelling you'll be muddling Madeline" This was bang in the middle of a wedding so...she's spitting tuna vol-u-vents on me, plus 'er bra wire has poked up through her costume...and is picking up the soundtrack of going for gold ! Well I'd had half a mackinson so I was feeling a bit Frank Bruno ish so I told her a few home truths, I said "Mother...nobody like you, me father's 'aving an affair with a dental receptionist, an d you've just sat in some black forest gateau" Well she didn't like that. Nolena Are you doing this shampoo for my lady...Oh, yeah alright. She's just doing somebody more important.Anyway So she's does what she always does when she can't have her own way...she falls down frothing ! This was in the middle of 'Agaado' So nobody cottoned on 'till twenty past ! So we're gathered round her bed in hospital...she's kicking up merry behaviour because the catering's been privatised and she's only got crutons ! There was a nasty silence right round the cubicle...you could hear the woman in the next door bed's lucazade poppin' and she's looking at me like that woman off 101 dalmations ! She said "I will not have this modelling Madeline " I said give me a for instance why not. She said "Oh well I knew a girl that went on for modelling, by the time she was twenty one she was smoking mentholated cigarilos and getting engaged to goal keepers !" So I said right forget the modelling suppose I do a do decorating time shares in Fawingarolla ! That was even worse...she starts hyperventilating then, we have to waft her up the clevage with an exchange and mart..not that nothing good came out of it cause we spotted an advert for one of those chairs that goes up your staircase. And fair dos to me mother at top speed with the radio on.....it's VERy like Alton Towers ! So it was all agreed enfamily that I should back to hairdressing...my mother was up the moon. She drank a bottle of matius rose without even taking the lampshade off it ! Pardon what ? Yes it will take rather a long time to do your hair yes...well because of the way it's been neglected, well there's the cut, the colour, the condition...I mean it's what we in the world of hair would call quite diabolically crudy !!! I mean where was you previous to coming tous, who actually did this for you ? Oh did I ? No I like it, I'll go put the kettle on !

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Page last updated 30th August 1996